Pro tip: when dealing with a delusional person, logic and reason do not exist. He saw none of my words, explanations, or pain for what they were; he just saw that I was responding and it gave him hope. But don't worry. That hope was misguided and, although I may make poor choices with men, I will never let a basketcase like that back in my life.
So moving on! I tried briefly after our split to test the waters again but literally every dude (even hot bearded ones) gave me the willies. It wasn't til recently (the last few weeks or so) that I thought, hey, maybe my cold black heart is thawing a little...maybe I can hold a conversation and maybe even go on a date with a real live man! So I did what any too busy, human-interaction-avoiding girl would do and installed my trusty ol' dating apps. And I swiped, I flirted, and, possibly ill advised, I even rode a time machine with a man from my semi-recent past (but that's a story for a different day). Either way, I think I have been giving it the old college try. I mean, the fact that messages, calls, and texts didn't make me visibly sneer anymore had to be a good sign right? Ha NO.
In the back of my mind I've been thinking about how I've missed writing and just the enjoyment of talking about things that make me happy (Side note: I'm aware it may only make me happy but eff you I don't care). So I've thought about what I could do in my life that would be cool enough to write about. Then I realized I do shit every day to better myself, the world, or others. Or I read about, watch, or dream about ways to better all of those things.
So why not make that my focus this year? I know I can date, I know that there is no shortage of men in this state. But there is a shortage of my freaking patience when it comes to this dumb mating ritual. During any conversation, date, or interaction with potential men lately, all I've done was daydream about what I want to do in the upcoming months. Skydiving, travel, dance classes, sporting events, concerts,volunteering events, business ventures, tattoos, fundraisers, etc... just all in all epic shit.
There have been more than a few things lately that have reminded me that life needs to be lived, not just survived, and for that wake up call (painful as it has been) I am grateful. So I'm gonna give that whole "dream big, live big" thing a shot from now on. *insert cliche statement about making 2016 my bitch here*